Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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