So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
