what day is it and did you see me today?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
