Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
