I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
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