p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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