this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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