so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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