It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
