OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
