My balls are so social today.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
