its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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