Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
