turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
