apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
