Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
