My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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