All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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