You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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