then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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