just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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