I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize