have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
