My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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