Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
