Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
