I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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