her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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