Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
