i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
