Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
