u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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