if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
