You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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