Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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