you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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