i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
