He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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