i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
