Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
