guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
