i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
