i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm like, not good at living.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
