I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
