o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
