That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
