I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
