I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
