do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
