Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
