weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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