Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
