The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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