apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
