she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I forget how to act sober
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
