She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
In other news, I just burned my penis
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
