I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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