Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
