My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
