I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize