i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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