She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
