you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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