Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
